this is not good....

i am truly heartbroken right now! i just found out, yes at 1:30am i found out that one of my favorite bands is breaking up!!! and when i say favorite i mean all time top 5 list favorite! soooo sad at this moment! when i read it i felt my heart cry! lol cheesy! no but really i am bummed! i now know i will be gettin a xdeathstarx tattoo! R.I.P xdeathstarx :(

im a mess like always... who wrote this dang poem?

i am layin in bed and its almost 5am, i cant sleep, THE NIGHTS HARD TO GET THROUGH WITH NO ONE IN UR BED! i am so uneasy right now, im so lost feelin, so not sure about so much! i miss my DAD and my brother and stepmom and sisters!! its becoming overwellming! i miss close friends! i miss feeling truly loved! i need God so much right now! i hate these bursts of whatever this is!!! ahhhhhhhhh!!!! i want off the wild rollercoaster!

oh yay... its valentines... shut up!!!

so vday is tomorrow! and again i have no valentines! its all good though! im gonna try my hardest to not be all bummed out about it, i proly will sit at home alone tomorrow! both my roomates have big plans with girls, and i dont! lol i would like to not be alone thats forsure but i dont need a valentines! ohwell we will see what goes down! till tomorrow!

what happened?

i feel like im losing a friend that i hold so dear to my heart and i dont know what to do! my heart hurts alot right now!

keep on truckin...

i feel like im stuck in this wierd time warp where i cant get outta the funk thats tearing my life down! it seems like right when things start lookin up it all goes to crap again! i just gotta stay strong in my walk with God and keep on truckin!

makes my heart hurt

so my dearest friend is not doin so well, shes down and out about a ton of stuff, and i see how sad she is lately! it rips my heart to peices that i cant make her happy! that i cant make it all just go away! i am tryin to be the best friend i can be through all this by makin sure she knows im here for her if she wants to talk, and not preaching at her! it worries me cause i havent heard a word from her since last night she and i were texin and i could tell she was pretty bummed cause she wasnt really talkin! its got me all anxious cause im scared for her, im sad my friend isnt happy!!! i love her soooo much!!!

sick as a dog ....ruff

so its been a good few days since my last post! a few things have happened! my band played a show last thursday! it was pretty cool! we are plannin on playin many more as soon as possible! got to hang out with johnni yesterday! that was good times, it had been a week since we had chilled! she a busy one now! i woke up this mornin sicker than heck! i knew it was comin, but it hit me hard! i have literally been in bed feelin like i was dyin all day! johnni called me to tell me some things to do to try and get better! it helped alot! i really feel crappy so not in the mood to write a ton! so untill next time!

a huge mess

i am over this life that continues to rip my damn heart apart! its always me too! not playin the pity game but i relize now that its me! im sorry!

shes back... yay

so its been a few days, but all i really have to say right now is johnni is back and i missed her! i love my best friend to death!!! she makes me so dang happy!!! :)

its not her fault...

so today i woke up around noon caus i didnt go to sleep till like 6 am. i had plans to go to my grandparents house to cut some fire would for my grandpa, so i pretty much did that right away! i spent about 3 hours over there doin that and visiting! then johnni said she was at the park cause she was babysittin a friends child! and the park is like a block away from my grandparents, she said she was cold so i grabed a hoodie and went to the park! we chilled there for a bit longer just chattin and watchin this little 2 yr old run around! his name is markus! hes funny! it was time to leave so i gave them a ride cause they walked! then i came home and just pretty much chilled and was waitin for johnni to come over after she was done watchin markus! we had made plans to hang out tonight but her pops had other plans for her! she had the car all day so he wanted her to come home and now she wont be comin to hang out!!! my heart is broken! lol not really but it does suck and im a tad bit bummed! but its not her fault at all! so i sit here and be bored like usual! untill next time!

guess what...im a big jealous douchebag

today was band practice! other than the fact im doin my dream in life by makein music and bein stoked on that, it sucked! just lame band drama! but all in all practice was good! finished fine tuning the new song! my favorite new line is the last line for the song and it is your the beauty in all this chaos! good stuff!! so not much else happened today other than the argument johnni and i just had like an hour ago! without going into it ill just sum it up in one little statement! im a big jealous douchebag! but johnni might throw a few other words in there like her favorite thing to call me lately is a woman! so if it was johnni suming it up it might be more like a big feminin jealous wussy douchebag! sumthin like that proly! lol i feel like such a effin idiot sometimes cause i hurt her and i hate that!!! but u know what? i love her to death and would do anything for her! so i just gotta work on my flaws! i would never hurt her on purpose!! but we worked it out and were laughing by the end of the phone call and she was calling me names so i dont think shes to mad at me anymore! :) thats a good thing cause i cant handle it when she is mad at me! ugh! well its five thirty now and im gonna crash before the sun comes up! untill next time!

i didnt get to go to church!!!!!!!

so my birthday party was saved by my one friend johnni! the only person that went outta their way for me! she made me cupcakes, she went and bought a camo shirt cause it was a camo theme party! she even sat there and cut the shirt and sewed it by hand to make it fit cause it was just a little boys shirt! she made it sexy! lol! she ended up spending like 12hrs with me that day! granted harlan was here for longer but he does that all the time so its not outta the norm! my roomates were the ones throwing the party for me and one of them wore some camo that was their own, the other two barrowed a camo bandanna from me! lame!! and they did such a good job at inviting people that there was only 7 or so people extra that showed up! and 3 of them were people that come over almost everyday anyways!! but the worst part is that i invited my close friends and some fam, and none of them showed! just johnni and harlan! so if it wasnt for the love of my life, johnni, i would have had the worst birthday of my life!! so thank you to johnni!!! i love you!! but hey atleast there are a few people that love me! and then sat was just another day! didnt do much at all! sat around like usuall and was bored! but then i went to johnni's last night and we had quite a fun time! her pops was gone playin live music for some bday party i think, and it was actually the first time ive been in her house, well i was in it one time long before she ever lived there but it was the first time since its been her house! we basically sat on her bed and talked, and looked at pictures of her past, and her fam, and we looked through some of her old stuff from her job that she loves dearly! talked about her stylish room, cause it it really sweet! very artistic! we always argue about whos bed is more comfy and her is nice but i still like mine! i think that if u put her blankets and stuff on my bed then it would be the ultimate comfy bed! so then we ventured out to the living room to check out stuff on the internet! we watched some youtube vids, and looked a few myspace profiles and pic, we discovered that a band we have heard is actually amazing! its the band that covered since uve been gone by kelly clarkson, we both love that cover! the band is a day to remember! and then she showed me a ton of pics that were on her comp! stuff from her work, which she thinks bores me but it doesnt! i think its the fact that it makes her so stinkin happy that i could sit there all day and listen to stories and look at pics about her work and i would enjoy it! and more pics of her younger scene days! lol she and her friend were some crazy kids! :) it was great! bout 1 am her pops got home and i ended up headin out so he could have the house with no company! then i pretty much just came home and text with her till almost 4 am and i decided i should go to bed so i would be rested for church! well i woke up this mornin and tried to get my roomate up to go to church and he flaked like usual! bunghole!! so i didnt get to go to church! i sat around and sulked! someone stole my last three bux and i was hungry with no food so i was gettin pretty frustrated! so guess who goes outta their way again to try and make me happy!! johnni! she brought me some bakers and a copy of the a day to remember cd! gosh this girl is friggin amazing! id marry her but she wont let me! hahaha! anyways she headed out cause she had food for her pops too and it was gettin cold! off she goes and im back to doin nuthin! if u havent noticed, doin nuthin is the story of my life! this blog action is actually savin me from goin crazy! lol so basically i just chilled the rest of the day after that! and we shall see what the events for tonight are gonna be! i vote for some hangin out with johnni! lol untill next time...

COYOTE!!!!!

today has been a rollercoaster! woke up this morning and did nuthing! sat around and then mayra texed me sayin her and my sister were outside! i was like what the heck, so i went out to see and sure enough they were gettin outta the truck, and they had chili rellonos! it was pretty good! they only stayed for a little bit, its nice my sister has been comin around more often!! so after they left i did absolutly nuthin again, untill the day took a great turn and my butthead love johnni came over to say hi! she was on her way to walmart with her brother! it was short but super sweet! and then they left! and then i did nuthing again! lol but for some reason i got this saddness come over me for no reason what so ever! so i was pretty much in this funk the rest of the day! but!! things changed when i went to church with johnni! it was nice, ive been wanting to go with her for a while now! i will be going back with her more often proly! then this is when my day gets great! after church johnni came with me to my house and just chilled! i dont know why but that girl makes my heart so stinkin happy!!! we get along so friggin great! all we did was play some card games! we played speed 3 times and she won twice! we played war twice and she killed me!! and then we played go fish! and i stomped her! then we did my favorite thing that we do together! nuthin but chill and talk! gosh thats all we do and its still the best thing ever! whatever though shes a butthead! lol :) so its 1 and time to take her home! same old thing we usually do, chill in front of her house and chat some more, so while were sittin there she stops in the middle of her sentence and points out the window and says coyote!! and a stinkin coyote is just joggin down the middle of the street! downtown banning mind you!! it was a great laugh! so then i came home and wrote this! so untill next time!

why is it never enough

well johnni didn't end up comin over, she was pretty tired from drivin back from the beach! I don't blame her! but she called and we spent over 3 hours on the phone, it wasn't as nice as if we could have hung out in person but it def. was nice! A PHONE CALL WON'T LET ME LOOK U IN THE EYES!!! :) it had its ups and downs too! wow it was a journey! :) we actually almost had an argument, we have only had one real argument and that was horrible! but this didn't turn out bad! I think if we weren't as close as we are it could have got messy but it was nutthin! pretty much my lack of bein able to express what's in my head with actual words caused it!! but as I said already it was still quite nice! I love her to death! oh yeah and she friggin hangs up when she's done talkin! jerkface!!! sheeesh, I call her back and tell her she can't just hang. up on me like that, and what does she do? says can I hang up like this? and hangs up again!!! omgosh what a bum! lol so I call back again and make her say goodbye to me! lmao!! such a goon!! and now I'm sittin on the couch doin nuthin at 4 in the morn!! guess ill go wonder off to bed!

atleast i have a new doo

woke up to my sister calling me, she wanted me to come to her work so she could do my hair! so i spent most of my day at a salon! that crap is crazy! she bleached chuncks of my hair, dyed the rest a darker brown, know its time to rinse, and ofcourse im such an ogre that i barely can lay my head back in the little sink thing, im too tall! the entire time im texin back and forth with johnni, shes a goon! so while my sis rinses my hair her friend mayra start puttin somethin in my hair so now i have two girls like scrubbin my head in the sink! lol it was an adventure! then i had to sit under one of those dryers that u see little old ladies sittin under in movies and they are readin magazines, i felt like i should have picked up a mag and start reading it!!! lol yeah those things suck!!!! to hot!!! then sumthin about toner and back to the rinse! then she cut my hair again! its pretty crazy! i ended up spending alot of time there! a long process!! so now i shall sit here on my couch like usual and do nuthin but atleast i have a new doo!!!

hopefully my hottie best friend johnni comes over in a bit! shes in oceanside at the moment, her dad and her went on a journey!! lol.

screaming makes my legs hurt

band practice today! wow its always a blast! music makes my heart so happy! we actually got an earlier start today then we normally do! suprise suprise! lol. we are tryin to focus on finishin the new song now that we finished recording, so that was a blast! omgosh I am in love with the way this song makes me feel! proly one of my most important songs lyrically! we had a debate on the song title, cause tim and justin and dan are all about naming stuff the most rediculous name possible! but its my song and I won! hahaha I named it... once again, a false alarm!... brutal stuff! as much as I love band practice I'm glad we are finished! my body gets so worn out, just exsausted! its weird cause screaming makes my legs hurt, they actually will be in pain sometimes! I don't know! we have the craziest ideas for band things! and the more brutal the better, like an idea today was for a shirt, and it would say, it all comes down to this...reason enough for birth control! johnni liked it, lol she said we could have a dancing birth control container on the shirt too! great stuff! but the night is calming down now, I'm sittin on the couch listening to harlan and terry have a discussion on all sorts of stuff, abortion, the government, and as I'm about to say it will proly turn into a religous discussion terry says something about religion! hahaha crazy stuff! ugh I am beat! I could go for a little bit of johnni time right now, gosh I love the heck outta her! she is proly one of the closest friends I have ever had!!! even though she's a bunghole! lol! I should go shower, I'm a tad sweaty and smelly from pratcice, but I'm thinkin of just goin and rubbin all my stink on johnni first! that'll make her day forsure! haha and on that note I'm out!

up urs upwords

tonight was ofcourse a blast as usual when johnni and I hang out, after figuring out what games to bring over when I went and got her, we sat and played upwords! and I lost by barely 4 points! it was a blast! then my good buddy harlan came by to show me some pics of his soon to be new g ride, and ofcourse I get ganged up on by harlan and johnni for a decent amount of time! lol its all good though I know they love me to death! all in all the night was great! love my friends!